Feeling dazed

It's 1:30 in the morning on Saturday. First chance I've had to be on again since acquiring a new mouse.
I just went outside and simply stood in the dark a while in the front yard, looking at the stars, feeling the damp fall chill. Sometimes I can stand back from life and look at it. Of course "home" is usually a good place to be, but when I mentally remove myself for a bit, there enters into my bones a chill far deeper than any fall chill.
This reminded me of when I went to California back in Jan/Feb, to see Bess. Had been there only 3 days and found myself trying to get a little sleep in an alley behind a convenience store. A slight drizzle, and around 40 degrees. Whenever I almost dozed off I woke myself back up by shuddering from the cold.
I'm in Clear Lake, California, in these conditions, broke, know not a soul, have no place at all to go, and no way to get there. This is when I truly grasped that being "in love" can get you real dead real quick.
Coming back inside here, knowing I belong here, that I am "home", where there is a roof, and furniture, and heat and lights and satellite TV, and phone and internet and refrigerator with good food ... a person who does love me and cares about my well-being... a sense of safety.
Of course it's still hard for me to function very well right now.
Thursday night, Melinda and I were sitting on the front porch talking (because the mouse - and the PC - were temporarily defunct) when BOOM! BOOM! and a bit latter... BOOM!
It came from the direction of the next house to the west, which is about 400-500 yards away. I commented to her that that had to be either a shotgun or a very large caliber handgun... no rifle short of an elephant gun has that kind of boom.
I also noticed that my dear babies, Miss Lucy and Miss Perky, were not here. Immediately I had that cold fist close around my heart and I just "knew" they were gone. They are still gone. I can't know with complete certainty what happend to them. It's conceivable they were abducted by someone. But the chances of that are very slim. They were simply murdered.
Only a coule months ago their sister, Feisty, was also murdered. They had all gone to the house across the road because they heard children laughing and playing and they wanted to play too. Lucy and Perky dodged those bullets but poor Feisty was shot twice in two different legs. Upon taking her to the vet we learned that her right elbow joint was totally shattered and would never heal. The only "options" were surgery to amputate the leg, or to complete her murder, euphemistically referred to as "putting her down" or "putting her to sleep". I can't take Melinda to the doc for things she needs, and we surely didn't have hundreds of dollars for a vet bill.
With tears threatening to explode my eyeballs out of their sockets, I looked at her beautiful face, kissed her head, she peed on my hand, and I left the room, never to see her again.
Animal control officer showed up here next day or so after police had been over there in response to the shooting, I guess. He said, "they were within their rights" to shoot Feisty. Of course. How dare a beautiful blond chow puppy have the audacity to want to jump and play with kids... we'll shoot the bitch.
And it was another brick in the wall of hatred that I try so hard to keep down low so I can see over it to the rest of the world.

And now... I loved them so. They were my babies. Whenever I would go somewhere in the car and come back home, they would all come greet me at the care and I had to do some hugging and loving before I could get out.
I could understand if they were viscious dogs, biting people... but I have never seen puppies quite so loving. And another brick... and another... cemented by cruel, callous idiocy... cement that my agonized tears cannot quite melt away. Few people could understand such a thing. Most would consider me an overly emotional fool, perhaps delusional, at least "skewed" somewhat. After all, "it's just a dog." But I loved my nonhuman kids every bit as much as you love your human ones. I have no recourse. I can't call the cops to arrest the killer because "they were within their rights" to senselessly murder my babies. Ah yes... rights... what a quaint notion.

Well, I gotta go back outside for a little while, look at those distant stars, blow my nose, wonder who may be there peering back at me.