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Wow, how time flies. Had no idea it had been so long since I wrote here. Went to Melinda's mother's house for dinner while Melinda was at work. Then went and got her, came back got two plates I had saved and ate agian at home.
Met someone I never knew existed. Melinda's mom's new feller is Roger. His brother Darryl, whom he hadn't seen for 15 years flew in from Oregon. Lives in Banden by the Sea, which reminded me of the late Dorothy Thompson, poet laureate of Leland Ruble's Freethought Perspective. He seemed like a nice guy and smart - used be a history teacher.
Of Sandy's latest 9 babies, one has disappeared - dunno how or why. So we're now down to only 14 dogs. Yeah.
This is all I can do right now. Hope to be back real soon.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Friday, November 09, 2007
A day of hurt
I feel really bad right now. So bad I don't think I'm able to coherently form sentences and type them in. My soul was kinda drained today. I talked both to Bess, which wasn't really a problem, and to Philis, which was. The condition she is in, with the extreme obesity, the diabetes, the psychological problems... and the conditions she is in, clutter and filth all over, an old house, with no heat other than a gas stove oven which she can't get to, bedding that is cold and wet and stinky from where she has urinated and defecated because she could not get to her feet... and this is someone I love dearly, someone to whom I was married for 26 years. I want so badly to at the very least just see her and spend a little time with her, but can't because.... well. Because.
Now I have no money left.
Now I have no money left.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Been working hard on getting my "delusion" blog ready to post at myspace. washed some blankets and hung them out, had lunch. Still trying to push the murder of my babies further back into a dark corner and maybe throw an old sheet or something over that... but I'm doing better.
To all readers, if there happen to be any, thanks for stopping by and reading, and please just let me know you were here.
To all readers, if there happen to be any, thanks for stopping by and reading, and please just let me know you were here.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
FLILFs and stuff
Ok, so I do often get really distracted by all kinds of things, which means I actually get done only a tiny fraction of stuff I'd like to do. This video
http://www.indecision2008.com/blog.jhtml?c=vc&videoID=127597 about flilfs did it this morning. How often does a guy fantasize about being very personal with a First Lady?
Ok... to business. I gotta prepare supper. Put the roast in the slowcooker, cut up some taters and carrots and chunk them in there. Get a shower and get dressed so I can go with Melinda to a viewing of a guy she knew who recently died. I didn't know him from Adam, but I'm being supportive of her.
Got cleaning to do, laundry to hang out... by the way, that thing about wiring a new circuit for the dryer is temporarily on hold. Checked out the prices of wire at Home Depot and you'd think copper was the new gold. Kriminy.
It's noonish, and I'm having the last of the coffee from this morning and trying very hard to become actually awake.
Melinda is off again tomorrow so I may not be on to speak of again till Monday. BRB
http://www.indecision2008.com/blog.jhtml?c=vc&videoID=127597 about flilfs did it this morning. How often does a guy fantasize about being very personal with a First Lady?
Ok... to business. I gotta prepare supper. Put the roast in the slowcooker, cut up some taters and carrots and chunk them in there. Get a shower and get dressed so I can go with Melinda to a viewing of a guy she knew who recently died. I didn't know him from Adam, but I'm being supportive of her.
Got cleaning to do, laundry to hang out... by the way, that thing about wiring a new circuit for the dryer is temporarily on hold. Checked out the prices of wire at Home Depot and you'd think copper was the new gold. Kriminy.
It's noonish, and I'm having the last of the coffee from this morning and trying very hard to become actually awake.
Melinda is off again tomorrow so I may not be on to speak of again till Monday. BRB
Feeling dazed
It's 1:30 in the morning on Saturday. First chance I've had to be on again since acquiring a new mouse.
I just went outside and simply stood in the dark a while in the front yard, looking at the stars, feeling the damp fall chill. Sometimes I can stand back from life and look at it. Of course "home" is usually a good place to be, but when I mentally remove myself for a bit, there enters into my bones a chill far deeper than any fall chill.
This reminded me of when I went to California back in Jan/Feb, to see Bess. Had been there only 3 days and found myself trying to get a little sleep in an alley behind a convenience store. A slight drizzle, and around 40 degrees. Whenever I almost dozed off I woke myself back up by shuddering from the cold.
I'm in Clear Lake, California, in these conditions, broke, know not a soul, have no place at all to go, and no way to get there. This is when I truly grasped that being "in love" can get you real dead real quick.
Coming back inside here, knowing I belong here, that I am "home", where there is a roof, and furniture, and heat and lights and satellite TV, and phone and internet and refrigerator with good food ... a person who does love me and cares about my well-being... a sense of safety.
Of course it's still hard for me to function very well right now.
Thursday night, Melinda and I were sitting on the front porch talking (because the mouse - and the PC - were temporarily defunct) when BOOM! BOOM! and a bit latter... BOOM!
It came from the direction of the next house to the west, which is about 400-500 yards away. I commented to her that that had to be either a shotgun or a very large caliber handgun... no rifle short of an elephant gun has that kind of boom.
I also noticed that my dear babies, Miss Lucy and Miss Perky, were not here. Immediately I had that cold fist close around my heart and I just "knew" they were gone. They are still gone. I can't know with complete certainty what happend to them. It's conceivable they were abducted by someone. But the chances of that are very slim. They were simply murdered.
Only a coule months ago their sister, Feisty, was also murdered. They had all gone to the house across the road because they heard children laughing and playing and they wanted to play too. Lucy and Perky dodged those bullets but poor Feisty was shot twice in two different legs. Upon taking her to the vet we learned that her right elbow joint was totally shattered and would never heal. The only "options" were surgery to amputate the leg, or to complete her murder, euphemistically referred to as "putting her down" or "putting her to sleep". I can't take Melinda to the doc for things she needs, and we surely didn't have hundreds of dollars for a vet bill.
With tears threatening to explode my eyeballs out of their sockets, I looked at her beautiful face, kissed her head, she peed on my hand, and I left the room, never to see her again.
Animal control officer showed up here next day or so after police had been over there in response to the shooting, I guess. He said, "they were within their rights" to shoot Feisty. Of course. How dare a beautiful blond chow puppy have the audacity to want to jump and play with kids... we'll shoot the bitch.
And it was another brick in the wall of hatred that I try so hard to keep down low so I can see over it to the rest of the world.
And now... I loved them so. They were my babies. Whenever I would go somewhere in the car and come back home, they would all come greet me at the care and I had to do some hugging and loving before I could get out.
I could understand if they were viscious dogs, biting people... but I have never seen puppies quite so loving. And another brick... and another... cemented by cruel, callous idiocy... cement that my agonized tears cannot quite melt away. Few people could understand such a thing. Most would consider me an overly emotional fool, perhaps delusional, at least "skewed" somewhat. After all, "it's just a dog." But I loved my nonhuman kids every bit as much as you love your human ones. I have no recourse. I can't call the cops to arrest the killer because "they were within their rights" to senselessly murder my babies. Ah yes... rights... what a quaint notion.
Well, I gotta go back outside for a little while, look at those distant stars, blow my nose, wonder who may be there peering back at me.
I just went outside and simply stood in the dark a while in the front yard, looking at the stars, feeling the damp fall chill. Sometimes I can stand back from life and look at it. Of course "home" is usually a good place to be, but when I mentally remove myself for a bit, there enters into my bones a chill far deeper than any fall chill.
This reminded me of when I went to California back in Jan/Feb, to see Bess. Had been there only 3 days and found myself trying to get a little sleep in an alley behind a convenience store. A slight drizzle, and around 40 degrees. Whenever I almost dozed off I woke myself back up by shuddering from the cold.
I'm in Clear Lake, California, in these conditions, broke, know not a soul, have no place at all to go, and no way to get there. This is when I truly grasped that being "in love" can get you real dead real quick.
Coming back inside here, knowing I belong here, that I am "home", where there is a roof, and furniture, and heat and lights and satellite TV, and phone and internet and refrigerator with good food ... a person who does love me and cares about my well-being... a sense of safety.
Of course it's still hard for me to function very well right now.
Thursday night, Melinda and I were sitting on the front porch talking (because the mouse - and the PC - were temporarily defunct) when BOOM! BOOM! and a bit latter... BOOM!
It came from the direction of the next house to the west, which is about 400-500 yards away. I commented to her that that had to be either a shotgun or a very large caliber handgun... no rifle short of an elephant gun has that kind of boom.
I also noticed that my dear babies, Miss Lucy and Miss Perky, were not here. Immediately I had that cold fist close around my heart and I just "knew" they were gone. They are still gone. I can't know with complete certainty what happend to them. It's conceivable they were abducted by someone. But the chances of that are very slim. They were simply murdered.
Only a coule months ago their sister, Feisty, was also murdered. They had all gone to the house across the road because they heard children laughing and playing and they wanted to play too. Lucy and Perky dodged those bullets but poor Feisty was shot twice in two different legs. Upon taking her to the vet we learned that her right elbow joint was totally shattered and would never heal. The only "options" were surgery to amputate the leg, or to complete her murder, euphemistically referred to as "putting her down" or "putting her to sleep". I can't take Melinda to the doc for things she needs, and we surely didn't have hundreds of dollars for a vet bill.
With tears threatening to explode my eyeballs out of their sockets, I looked at her beautiful face, kissed her head, she peed on my hand, and I left the room, never to see her again.
Animal control officer showed up here next day or so after police had been over there in response to the shooting, I guess. He said, "they were within their rights" to shoot Feisty. Of course. How dare a beautiful blond chow puppy have the audacity to want to jump and play with kids... we'll shoot the bitch.
And it was another brick in the wall of hatred that I try so hard to keep down low so I can see over it to the rest of the world.
And now... I loved them so. They were my babies. Whenever I would go somewhere in the car and come back home, they would all come greet me at the care and I had to do some hugging and loving before I could get out.
I could understand if they were viscious dogs, biting people... but I have never seen puppies quite so loving. And another brick... and another... cemented by cruel, callous idiocy... cement that my agonized tears cannot quite melt away. Few people could understand such a thing. Most would consider me an overly emotional fool, perhaps delusional, at least "skewed" somewhat. After all, "it's just a dog." But I loved my nonhuman kids every bit as much as you love your human ones. I have no recourse. I can't call the cops to arrest the killer because "they were within their rights" to senselessly murder my babies. Ah yes... rights... what a quaint notion.
Well, I gotta go back outside for a little while, look at those distant stars, blow my nose, wonder who may be there peering back at me.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
My first TOP entry of the new Era.
How many things in your life never get done because you forgot or got distracted by other things; how many things will trail you into your grave attached to "I was gonna..."?
I was gonna give some back history about The Oddball Papers (hereinafter TOP), about how I used to do a print version, etc. Maybe later.
The whole point in this one is to write what I feel and, to some extent, why. Most people do not understand at all that the "money can't buy happiness" mantra is complete bullshit. A couple of days ago, Melinda's mom's new feller moved in with her. They brought over his old dryer cuz he didn't need it any more and because the one here seemed to be good only for a small storage cabinet. Plugged it in and... nothing. So there's some problem between the breaker box out on the pole and the dryer outlet. I was gonna go under the trailer and track down the wire.
Only way to do that was wade into a maggot-filled pool of shit-water. Took part of the underskirting off to get a better way in. Impossible to get anywhere near where the wire from the dryer plug comes down through the floor because there's only 5 to 10 inches of clearance under the floor for several feet before you get to that end of the trailer. I have no clue how the last person to work on that managed it. I've always hated with a passion trying to "make do" with a half-assed job. I'd rather just do without. I'm a good electrician. But it takes a lot of money to get the proper tools and equipment to do a job. I'll eventually run a whole new circuit from the pole breaker box to the outlet, but I'll have to buy enough of the correct guage wire, possibly a new breaker, possibly a new outlet. Even then, I'll have to "make do" because I can't get the rest of the stuff that is needed to do a good job - just one that will suffice.
Yesterday I couldn't get the mouse on here to work - it's been chewed by puppies. Small thing; trivial really. But I rely a LOT on being able to be online to maintain my mental equilibrium. Sure, just run down to Walmart and get another mouse. Um... there's that money thing. Don't have any. Next month I will get one. Fortunately Melinda managed to wiggle it enough to get it to work for a while.
We had to pay about $135 for a new lawn mower. The old one died and the grass here is shoulder high in some places. That finally worked and finally got some gas. But when that mouse wouldn't work and being unable to do anything about it, that feeling of utter impotence - it sometimes tends to bring old things - old mental demons that usually are not much of a problem because I can keep them corralled in a corner of my mental attic. But when the impotence comes, yes literal and figurative and psychological and sexual, which is most often brought on by severe money deficiency, those old demons get out, and there is no fighting because there is neither ammunition nor able soldier. The only partly sane option is complete retreat. So I made very sure all phone ringers are turned off... I have to come to passionately hate the sound of a ringing phone - even on TV. Made sure dogs had food and water, turned TV volume on high, closed door, and buried myself as deeply as possible into the bed and my Richard Dawkins book, until blessed oblivion finally rescued me for a while.
I will feel much better when my money comes again. Even though it's a tiny amount, it's better than none, and along with the other things it will buy - another month's satelite TV, rent, car insurance, the lawn mower... it will also bring enough piece of mind to last (barring unexpected problems) almost till December.
I finally got past "I was gonna..." on this blog. That helps a little. To coin a phrase... I'll be back.
I was gonna give some back history about The Oddball Papers (hereinafter TOP), about how I used to do a print version, etc. Maybe later.
The whole point in this one is to write what I feel and, to some extent, why. Most people do not understand at all that the "money can't buy happiness" mantra is complete bullshit. A couple of days ago, Melinda's mom's new feller moved in with her. They brought over his old dryer cuz he didn't need it any more and because the one here seemed to be good only for a small storage cabinet. Plugged it in and... nothing. So there's some problem between the breaker box out on the pole and the dryer outlet. I was gonna go under the trailer and track down the wire.
Only way to do that was wade into a maggot-filled pool of shit-water. Took part of the underskirting off to get a better way in. Impossible to get anywhere near where the wire from the dryer plug comes down through the floor because there's only 5 to 10 inches of clearance under the floor for several feet before you get to that end of the trailer. I have no clue how the last person to work on that managed it. I've always hated with a passion trying to "make do" with a half-assed job. I'd rather just do without. I'm a good electrician. But it takes a lot of money to get the proper tools and equipment to do a job. I'll eventually run a whole new circuit from the pole breaker box to the outlet, but I'll have to buy enough of the correct guage wire, possibly a new breaker, possibly a new outlet. Even then, I'll have to "make do" because I can't get the rest of the stuff that is needed to do a good job - just one that will suffice.
Yesterday I couldn't get the mouse on here to work - it's been chewed by puppies. Small thing; trivial really. But I rely a LOT on being able to be online to maintain my mental equilibrium. Sure, just run down to Walmart and get another mouse. Um... there's that money thing. Don't have any. Next month I will get one. Fortunately Melinda managed to wiggle it enough to get it to work for a while.
We had to pay about $135 for a new lawn mower. The old one died and the grass here is shoulder high in some places. That finally worked and finally got some gas. But when that mouse wouldn't work and being unable to do anything about it, that feeling of utter impotence - it sometimes tends to bring old things - old mental demons that usually are not much of a problem because I can keep them corralled in a corner of my mental attic. But when the impotence comes, yes literal and figurative and psychological and sexual, which is most often brought on by severe money deficiency, those old demons get out, and there is no fighting because there is neither ammunition nor able soldier. The only partly sane option is complete retreat. So I made very sure all phone ringers are turned off... I have to come to passionately hate the sound of a ringing phone - even on TV. Made sure dogs had food and water, turned TV volume on high, closed door, and buried myself as deeply as possible into the bed and my Richard Dawkins book, until blessed oblivion finally rescued me for a while.
I will feel much better when my money comes again. Even though it's a tiny amount, it's better than none, and along with the other things it will buy - another month's satelite TV, rent, car insurance, the lawn mower... it will also bring enough piece of mind to last (barring unexpected problems) almost till December.
I finally got past "I was gonna..." on this blog. That helps a little. To coin a phrase... I'll be back.
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