My Doctor is Killing Me: Tears and Empathy

My Doctor is Killing Me: Tears and Empathy

Goodbye Momma

Goodbye Momma

I thought of momma today. And many others I have seen and met over the years. Some very good, some very bad. Some mothers are very kind and loving, some full of hate and pain, some are there as a chair is "there", some not there at all. I know of someone whose mother put on a nice clean dress, went onto the front porch, lay down and blew her brains out. I was very fortunate. Mine was the very kind and loving sort. Momma didn't live in this millennium. She expired in 1999. If there is anything left of her at all is is a few bones in a cemetery somewhere. I'm not certain exactly where because I was not there. I said my goodbye to momma in the funeral home, tried to burn her features into my mind, touched her head with the wispy white hair and felt only death. Stiffness. Immobility. Permanence. I cried out a large percentage of my body's water content, and grieved more than I thought it was possible to grieve.

I could not go to her funeral. I could not risk losing control of myself and possibly doing bad things. Because I've known many, many Southern country funerals. I know the lies they tell; "she's gone home", "she's in a better place", "we'll see her again"... ad nauseum. Lies, delusions, illusions, denial... from a people too fragile apparently to grasp or know reality. I did not want to risk my life and theirs. My strong instinct is to lash out against lies and deception. Preachers preach lies like "she's in a better place", as though she has taken a bus to Atlanta, and "we'll see her again" as though we only have to wait a while to buy our own ticket. Momma is not in a better place, she has not "gone on". She is just one of the estimated 100 billion or so humans who once existed and are no more. Opinion, belief, desire, hope and faith are, at best, utterly irrelevant to that fact. It is as much fact as it is fact that you are reading these words.

I thought of momma today. I felt the loss, the lump in my throat, the sting in my eyes. Momma does not live or exist in my memories. My memories exist. Momma does not exist and will never exist in a billion trillion years. I listened to several of the old Gospel songs, funeral songs, like Where the Soul of Man Never Dies, Wayfaring Stranger, I'll Fly Away, Will the Circle be Unbroken, Precious Memories.... my tears flowed anew. I wept for my loss, wept for the loss of so very many others. I wept for momma (and paw) who was and is not, for my children who never were, and for my own end. I wept for the ignorance and weakness of my species.

I thought of momma today.

Note to self: put toilet paper on shopping list.

TRB

I'm 51

Yeah, I'm really amazed sometimes at how long it is between visits here> I guess sometimes I really want readers and so I blog at Myspace. the only place where I do have a few somewhat regular readers. Other times, I don't care so much... like now. When I'm feeling not up to par. Nothing especially wrong, I just don't feel right... like something is missing somehow, though I don't know what. I suppose part of it is depression. Not like I used to have, but I guess "mild" depressions, mostly due to not being able to do things like go tot the Atheist Convention in Atlanta... because of lack of money. I'd really hoped to meet Richard Dawkins. Hang on, I gotta check out what the hell is this "monetize" button I see on here... never saw that before.

Feb. 10, 2008

Geez. Amazing how hard it is to consistently post shit here (or anywhere). My memory is getting worse. Been trying for days to remember the name of that town south of where Bess is, where I had to go to get on a greyhound. Santa something, I'm sure. Maybe I'll look it up. Also saw an actor whose name I can't dredge up for shit. Older actor, used to have a TV series, been in MANY movies, seems like it's Robert Something. Bess's birthday is in two days - the twelfth. She doesn't communicate anything at all like she used to. Ah well. Am having a couple of rum&cokes today... last day I can before Melinda's day off tomorrow. Gotta remember (ha!) to get a new bottle next time I get to go to town alone.
About a month ago doc put me on insulin. I always hoped I wouldn't sink to that level, but have all the same. Philis is in long term care at SEAMC. Never did get moved to the red brick house (though her cats did). When she told me she was gonna sell the Ariton house, it hit like a ton of bricks. Hurt, rage, fear. I literally put years of my blood, sweat and tears into the place. Always saw it as the one place on the planet I had to go to if I couldn't be anywhere else. But my name was never on the deed, so I ain't worth shit as far as that goes. If that happens, then I'll be REALLY afloat in the world, with no gaurantees at all about having a place to live. Figures. All good deeds result in a total fucking.
I do hope I make it back here fairly soon. Birthday is only about 6 weeks or so away. Turning 50 years old. Holy shit, how did THAT happen. Better than the alternative? I'd ask Jimmy and Sam if I could.

Thanksgiving

Wow, how time flies. Had no idea it had been so long since I wrote here. Went to Melinda's mother's house for dinner while Melinda was at work. Then went and got her, came back got two plates I had saved and ate agian at home.
Met someone I never knew existed. Melinda's mom's new feller is Roger. His brother Darryl, whom he hadn't seen for 15 years flew in from Oregon. Lives in Banden by the Sea, which reminded me of the late Dorothy Thompson, poet laureate of Leland Ruble's Freethought Perspective. He seemed like a nice guy and smart - used be a history teacher.
Of Sandy's latest 9 babies, one has disappeared - dunno how or why. So we're now down to only 14 dogs. Yeah.
This is all I can do right now. Hope to be back real soon.

A day of hurt

I feel really bad right now. So bad I don't think I'm able to coherently form sentences and type them in. My soul was kinda drained today. I talked both to Bess, which wasn't really a problem, and to Philis, which was. The condition she is in, with the extreme obesity, the diabetes, the psychological problems... and the conditions she is in, clutter and filth all over, an old house, with no heat other than a gas stove oven which she can't get to, bedding that is cold and wet and stinky from where she has urinated and defecated because she could not get to her feet... and this is someone I love dearly, someone to whom I was married for 26 years. I want so badly to at the very least just see her and spend a little time with her, but can't because.... well. Because.
Now I have no money left.

Been working hard on getting my "delusion" blog ready to post at myspace. washed some blankets and hung them out, had lunch. Still trying to push the murder of my babies further back into a dark corner and maybe throw an old sheet or something over that... but I'm doing better.
To all readers, if there happen to be any, thanks for stopping by and reading, and please just let me know you were here.